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Wayne Rooney
Look how happy he is. Photograph: Tony McArdle - Everton FC/Everton FC via Getty Images
Look how happy he is. Photograph: Tony McArdle - Everton FC/Everton FC via Getty Images

No recorded fist-bumps involving Ronald McDonald

This article is more than 6 years old

Today: Wayne Rooney’s second Everton debut, Bray Wanderers’ incredible vision for Irish football and Daniel Sturridge 2.0

HERE COMES THE WAYNE AGAIN

The Fiver skipped out of its hovel this morning, clicking its heels together and thinking to itself that there’s no place like home. In this case home is the season of competitive football and subsequent respite from mithering over the barren wasteland of winner-takes-it-all friendlies between Europe’s giants that nobody can claim quite convincingly enough to have enjoyed. We’ll take anything of consequence and so will Wayne Rooney, who looks set to make his second Everton debut tonight against Slovakian post-grunge outfit Ruzomberok, looking to crowdsurf among a capacity attendance of 40,000 should their Big Vase campaign get off to a flyer.

It ought to, and not only because Everton are the darlings du jour on account of their frenetic summer’s transfer activity. They have spent, spent, spent, and that means they should be good, good, good. Whether we see £25m worth of Jordan Pickford against opponents who lost 2-1 to Zlate Moravce on Sunday is another matter but the best thing about all this is that we’re under way and can soon start making substantive, deeply meaningful comparisons between Rooney and the departed-but-curiously unmourned Romelu Lukaku.

In other ways Everton have been a breath of fresh air this pre-season, a relatively down-to-earth affair taking in visits to Genk, Twente and Kenyan side Gor Mahia with no recorded fist-bumps involving Ronald McDonald. Little-known Ruzomberok make things even rougher and readier, and they’ve gamely tried to inject a little frisson of their own to this one. “You know I like the neighbours but that’s not important – we have to play with Everton,” observed their manager, Norbert Hrncar, who you might correctly surmise has a little soft spot for the club across Stanley Park. Hrncar grew up adoring Ian Rush and Kenny Dalglish; short of rocking a vintage Crown Paints shirt in the technical area it will probably take something to deflect from the welcome-home-Wazza mood, though. Ruzomberok’s best hope of causing flutters might come when they take Everton back to their 4,876-capacity home, a pub backroom to Goodison’s O2 Academy, at the foot of the Tatra mountains next week.

We’ve all been to a gig in a cupboard that we can’t wait to get out of. Everton fans can’t wait to get into tonight’s affair though, and for good reason – Rooney’s story, heartwarming enough to move even José Mourinho, has had the odd effect of being one of this summer’s more likeable tales, while in the end all anyone really wants is to watch a game with something riding on it. And if it ends up resembling a mismatch between the Foo Fighters and Lifehouse this evening, that’s not to say it might not still seem faintly comforting.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Eventually when we have succeeded in our vision creating the best centre of Excellence in Ireland, based on Academies such as Barcelona Manchester United and other in that caliber, creating the best production line of players in Ireland, we will hand the facility and sustainable business over to a trust who will protect the club and the development of Football in Wicklow & Ireland long after our collective lifetimes. There will be may naysayers to this and to them, we say, ideally we’d bring in Conor McGregor for a quote but our response is: ‘One great enemy we must all endeavour to fear not conquering is fear. Fear can cripple purpose and purposeful life. Fear asks question we must fear. Fear makes vision a nightmare. One must always cross the barrier of fear to get to the great city of true purposefulness. A great number of us who are unable to live to accomplish the true reason for our existence on earth are unable to cross the barrier of fear in the first place. Those afraid and living fear, rest assured fear has no place in Bray Wanderers” – Bray chairman Gerry Mulvey unleashes a vision for Irish football that The Fiver can certainly get behind if this bonkers club statement is anything to go by.

Bray’s sunsets are as strong as the club’s statements. Photograph: David Maher/Sportsfile via Getty Images

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FIVER LETTERS

“Further on the similar names fiasco (Fiver letters passim). Myself and my husband are both named Daniel. We were at a party a while back where we were two of five Daniels, four of whom were dating each other” – Daniel Doody(s).

“All of the recent letters bragging about letter publishing success rates just highlights what we have always suspected - that the same people dominate the pages year in year out and squeeze out other wordsmiths to the detriment of the wider reading public (well, 1,057 of them anyway). It could be a metaphor for the current state of the Premier League and European football generally. Or something. Which I guess makes me West Brom” – Chris Ware.

“In the dim dark days of the 1970s, when The Fiver was sucking illegally at the Tin, I was the 2IC of a bank branch in West Perth, Western Australia. Among the staff, Ashley Mallet had recently departed to South Australia, D K Lillee and R L K Massie were present working on a conversion to computer team, Rodney Marsh was my Teller 2’s brother-in-law, Ross Edwards and Graham Mackenzie were customers and I and my Teller 1 could bat a bit. Lillee had been my junior dogsbody 10 years previously at a different branch when he was a stripling of 15 being coached by Peter Loader. We could have fielded a half decent side of branch connected players against Zimbabwe or Bangladesh” – Richard Fernandez (and no other roll-up smoking, willow-wielding flamin’ contributors).

“Despite the fear that I will be hoist by my own pedantic petard by one of the MLVII legion I would, as gently as possible, remind Nick Payne that in rounding off a number it can be rounded down to the nearest integer as well as rounded up. I’m off before I get rounded on” – Steve Wilson (and no others).

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Daniel Doody(s).

BITS AND BOBS

Having been held in the big house on corruption charges, suspended Spanish football chief suit Ángel María Villar has resigned from his positions as vice-chief suit at both Fifa and Uefa.

Antonio Conte reckons that if Spurs bomb this season they only have their tight-fisted selves to blame. “If their ambitions are to fight for the title or win the [Big Cup], you must buy expensive players,” he blathered. “Otherwise you continue to stay in your level. It’s simple. My question is this: What are Tottenham’s expectations?”

Global alert! Big Sam isn’t done with football yet. “Having done six Premier League clubs and having saved three clubs from relegation that is something I feel like I don’t need to do anymore,” trumpeted Allardyce. “Certainly the top six clubs aren’t going to come in for me. So maybe international football is something I’ll consider.”

Centre-back Tomas Kalas has scrawled his name all over a new four-year deal at Chelsea before promptly being bundled down the Fulham Road on loan at Craven Cottage.

Middlesbrough have agreed to package up around £7m and send it to the Dome O’ Doom for Taxpayers FC striker Ashley Fletcher.

Patrick Kluivert’s son, Shane, has signed away his childhood after inking his name on a contract with Nike to become the brand’s youngest client. “My son so proud of you @shanekluivert. Just signed his first contract with @nike at 9 years,” sobbed Patrick.

And Jürgen Klopp believes he has seen Liverpool’s future – and it is Daniel Sturridge 2.0. “Did you see him train? He is really digging in and giving everything,” he oozed. “He’s reaching for the next level, a new physical level and that’s really good news.”

Some next-level cycling, earlier. Photograph: Andrew Powell/Liverpool FC via Getty Images

THE RECAP

Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …

STILL WANT MORE?

“A terrible idea” – it is fair to say Africa Cup of Nations veteran and floating football brain in a jar, Jonathan Wilson, is not impressed by changes to the tournament set to kick in for 2019.

USA! USA!! USA!!! coach Jill Ellis is making some big changes as they look ahead to the Tournament of Nations which begins this week, reports Caitlin Murray.

Amy Lawrence has been passed the tin hat for the latest in our series celebrating the Premier League at 25. Best signing is the category and after a bit of chin scratching, Patrick Vieira gets the nod.

Tim Howard is still No1 – one of the things Graham Parker learned as USA! USA!! USA!!! did for Jamaica in the Gold Cup final.

Test your knowledge of all things Premier League with Paul Campbell’s fiendish quiz.

Are Arsenal about to sign Nice’s Jean Michaël Seri for £36m? That and more tittle tattle in today’s Rumour Mill.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

A CHANCE TO WEAR BERNARD CRIBBINS’S MATCH-WORN COAT

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